Ah, I can't believe I'm about to blog this. Don't know why, but it just came flying back to me with a gush of wind that knocked me off my feet. My first, yes my first proposal. The very first time I tried to be man enough to tell a girl that I might be in love with her.
I spent most of my life in Kerala, a place totally on the opposite end of Punjab. Being a total punjabi brat myself, I could never associate myself to the culture and people I saw around me. Some part of me always longed for my home land, my Punjab, my dear Punjab. It was tough, people always treated me like an alien, since I stand out for my appearance. So when I finished my 12th grade, I begged my father to take us back to Punjab, "Dad please do something, take me back, back to Punjab, I can't live here anymore, please get a transfer or something!". As always, my dad had simple solutions to my at the time tough problems, "You want to go back to punjab? Then study hard, clear the exams (entrance exam), get admission in a North Indian college and go back. Earn it yourself son."
That day I knew, I knew if I want to go back, then I will have to work it out myself. So I studied hard? Nah! I can't do that :), however, I managed to land myself a seat in a North Indian college. Parents tried their best to not let me go, gave me all the reasons to not go, but I just wanted to get out of south.
It was not my first time in Delhi, I had been there before as child and always loved the city. College began, but I wasn't there. I reached late, late by one week. College was hip, absolutely. The first girl I laid my eyes upon had a tattoo on her chest. Oh man, I had never seen so many beautiful girls at one place before.
The first time I saw her, I was sitting in my classroom of 120 brats, and she was jumping all up and down with something in her hand. Just another girl, nothing special about her, she was very fair, a bit fat but not too much, a normal pleasant voice, and always happy about something that obviously wasn't around, or at least I couldn't see it. Didn't think much of her, nothing about her would attract my attention again. At least that is what I thought right then.
A few days pass by, many things happened in my life. Had a couple of fights with seniors, had trouble adjusting to hostel life and many such things. A month passed and we now had our college fest. There was an array of events, but I was waiting for the one special event, the Giddah. A folk dance often performed by punjabi women. The long wait came to an end, and the dance started. She danced beautifully, a true copy of the traditional method. The dress, the music, the steps, the expressions. I didn't realize it then, but I was slowly falling into love. A few days later I found myself looking for her, staring at her unintentionally. Everything about her was amazing now, she had now become the most punjabi a girl could ever be, it couldn't be better than this. But it was unlikely of me to be taking steps. Falling in love was always a one way affair for me.
Time passed and passed. Each day I would wake up feeling more and more miserable about myself, the pain the burden of love was inflicting upon me was growing more and more intolerable with each day that passed. I wasn't too good at keeping secrets. One friend found out, another friend out, their friends found out, the whole college found out, she found out! It wasn't a secret anymore, all that remained was a direct confession, something I tried hard to avoid. For the moment I would pacify my heart by stealing glimpses of her.
At times I would flirt with the idea of having a relationship with her, thinking about what could happen and possibly go wrong if I was to propose her and express my love. A deep rooted realization that she would never say yes always prevented me from making a fool out of myself. But I wasn't the only one falling in love, it was happening all around me. Every second day a guy would propose a girl and love would happen. With each successful story coming out the burden on my heart grew. I had to do it, I can't live like this, this has gone on for too long, I have to end it. If she said yes, then it would be all rosy and glossy and if she said no, then at least I might try to get over it. I cant live like this any longer now! But still, I couldn't sum up the courage to do it.
The worse possible happened, two other guys had by now fallen in love with her. I would see them making moves towards her. One of them was a huge guy, quite muscular, and I wondered if I would be able to take on him in a hand to hand fight.
By now, the second college fest had come around. Love was a thing that happened mostly around fests in my college. Strangely all the guys would choose this same time to propose. I knew I would have to do it this time around. The fest lasted 3 days. Each day I would prepare myself, I have to do it today, and do nothing. The last night of the fest, I walked upto her, and walked past. Towards the end I sighted her again, but she was with the other guy, he had flowers in his hand, flowers for her. The heart sank, I have missed the window. I thought to myself, had i done it yesterday or an hour back ...
The whole night, I spent thinking about her, thinking about the flowers she had received. "Why, why didn't I do it?". I stepped into the college with a heavy heart next day. Still thinking hard about all that had gone wrong. The day proceeded and I didn't look even once at her. Sometime later in the day I found out, NO!, she hadn't been proposed to, not yet. A new hope!
I returned back home feeling much better about it all. The delight definitely visible on my face, but one important question remained, would I cash on this opportunity or not? A debate followed where I was ridiculed by my friends for my inability to do something about it. The heat moved in and I boldly proclaimed, "I'm gonna do it tomorrow, yes I will!". They all laughed about it and bet me a sum of Rs.500. I had to do it now, I had to. I spent the whole night planing what I'm going to say, how I'm going to approach her, how I'm gonna get around to confessing my crime! I had each line planned out.
The D-day was upon me and I grew nervous with each passing hour into the day. Around 2pm I decided to go for it. Scouts were sent out and she was traced to the library. I sat outside the library for half an hour or so looking at her through the window, still not sure if I'm going to be able to do it, practicing my lines over and over again.
"Go get her Shwait!", to which he gleefully troded away. All the while I wished, I wished I could call him back, hold him back from approaching her, but he was already out of my reach and into her sight. Through the window I saw him gently lean over her shoulders and whisper into her ears. Her head turned and she looked at me, our eyes clashed and my heart froze. For the next 15-20 seconds that she took to reach me, I could feel the numbness spread from my feet to the brain. The heart skipped a beat too many and yet pounding like a fish out of water. I tried my best to control it, but all attempts failed.
"Hi Jiwa, Shwait said you wanted to talk to me!", the expressions on her face told me that she knew what was coming her way. The fear was obvious. It didn't make it any easier for me, it left me paralyzed. With much strength I said what I did...
"You obviously know what I'm here for! It isn't easy for me but I want to tell you, whatever you have heard is true. Yes, I'm in love with you. I don't know how it happened and when it happened, but it just did. I'm sorry, for I have been unable to conceal my feelings well enough. I know it must have been hard for you, all the people ridiculing you about me. I wish I could take it away! No... please let me complete what I have started. I do realize that you do not feel the same way about me, I do not blame you for that. I'm not here expecting anything from you, but it had become essential that I express my feelings for you, I had to do it. I don't require you to give me an answer as in yes or a no. You don't have to say anything, it is just that I had to express myself to you. I'm not proposing a relationship! I don't need an answer, I don't need to give you time to reply to me. I know this can't work out. I know you don' love me! I hope you understand I had to do it. I'm sorry for any discomfort my actions might have caused you and hope you forgive me!"
I started to walk off and she ...
"Jiwa... listen...", I interrupted...
"No, please don't say anything, I'm sorry once again"
And then I walked off. I can't say that it made it any easier for me. It hadn't helped me the way I thought it would. I went home straight away, didn't have the strength to wait for the bus. I was alone at home, felt the cold tears dropping out of my eyes. A part of me was glad, for I had done it. "Yes! I have proven it to myself, that I am man enough to do it". The other part cursed me, cursed me for doing it. I knew what was coming. I would be the laughing stock of the college. But that is not what bothered me the most. I was worried...
"Would I be able to live without her? All the dreams I had seen of being together, what about them? Would life be the same? No, I can't live without her! Why, why did you tell her that you don't need a reply? She could have said yes! She might have! I know I can't live without her".
Nothing seemed to sooth the pain that night. I didn't emerge out from the under the blanket that evening when my friends came home. I avoided seeing them the next morning too, until they had left for college, I didn't go. Just didn't have the courage to face any one anymore. Everyone in the college would have known about it by now!
I tried hard to come over the pain which was still sending salty water down my cheeks. I resorted to music and the only thing I could find was Marc Anthony. I didn't know how fatal the choice would be. It didn't make it any easier...
I spent most of my life in Kerala, a place totally on the opposite end of Punjab. Being a total punjabi brat myself, I could never associate myself to the culture and people I saw around me. Some part of me always longed for my home land, my Punjab, my dear Punjab. It was tough, people always treated me like an alien, since I stand out for my appearance. So when I finished my 12th grade, I begged my father to take us back to Punjab, "Dad please do something, take me back, back to Punjab, I can't live here anymore, please get a transfer or something!". As always, my dad had simple solutions to my at the time tough problems, "You want to go back to punjab? Then study hard, clear the exams (entrance exam), get admission in a North Indian college and go back. Earn it yourself son."
That day I knew, I knew if I want to go back, then I will have to work it out myself. So I studied hard? Nah! I can't do that :), however, I managed to land myself a seat in a North Indian college. Parents tried their best to not let me go, gave me all the reasons to not go, but I just wanted to get out of south.
It was not my first time in Delhi, I had been there before as child and always loved the city. College began, but I wasn't there. I reached late, late by one week. College was hip, absolutely. The first girl I laid my eyes upon had a tattoo on her chest. Oh man, I had never seen so many beautiful girls at one place before.
The first time I saw her, I was sitting in my classroom of 120 brats, and she was jumping all up and down with something in her hand. Just another girl, nothing special about her, she was very fair, a bit fat but not too much, a normal pleasant voice, and always happy about something that obviously wasn't around, or at least I couldn't see it. Didn't think much of her, nothing about her would attract my attention again. At least that is what I thought right then.
A few days pass by, many things happened in my life. Had a couple of fights with seniors, had trouble adjusting to hostel life and many such things. A month passed and we now had our college fest. There was an array of events, but I was waiting for the one special event, the Giddah. A folk dance often performed by punjabi women. The long wait came to an end, and the dance started. She danced beautifully, a true copy of the traditional method. The dress, the music, the steps, the expressions. I didn't realize it then, but I was slowly falling into love. A few days later I found myself looking for her, staring at her unintentionally. Everything about her was amazing now, she had now become the most punjabi a girl could ever be, it couldn't be better than this. But it was unlikely of me to be taking steps. Falling in love was always a one way affair for me.
Time passed and passed. Each day I would wake up feeling more and more miserable about myself, the pain the burden of love was inflicting upon me was growing more and more intolerable with each day that passed. I wasn't too good at keeping secrets. One friend found out, another friend out, their friends found out, the whole college found out, she found out! It wasn't a secret anymore, all that remained was a direct confession, something I tried hard to avoid. For the moment I would pacify my heart by stealing glimpses of her.
At times I would flirt with the idea of having a relationship with her, thinking about what could happen and possibly go wrong if I was to propose her and express my love. A deep rooted realization that she would never say yes always prevented me from making a fool out of myself. But I wasn't the only one falling in love, it was happening all around me. Every second day a guy would propose a girl and love would happen. With each successful story coming out the burden on my heart grew. I had to do it, I can't live like this, this has gone on for too long, I have to end it. If she said yes, then it would be all rosy and glossy and if she said no, then at least I might try to get over it. I cant live like this any longer now! But still, I couldn't sum up the courage to do it.
The worse possible happened, two other guys had by now fallen in love with her. I would see them making moves towards her. One of them was a huge guy, quite muscular, and I wondered if I would be able to take on him in a hand to hand fight.
By now, the second college fest had come around. Love was a thing that happened mostly around fests in my college. Strangely all the guys would choose this same time to propose. I knew I would have to do it this time around. The fest lasted 3 days. Each day I would prepare myself, I have to do it today, and do nothing. The last night of the fest, I walked upto her, and walked past. Towards the end I sighted her again, but she was with the other guy, he had flowers in his hand, flowers for her. The heart sank, I have missed the window. I thought to myself, had i done it yesterday or an hour back ...
The whole night, I spent thinking about her, thinking about the flowers she had received. "Why, why didn't I do it?". I stepped into the college with a heavy heart next day. Still thinking hard about all that had gone wrong. The day proceeded and I didn't look even once at her. Sometime later in the day I found out, NO!, she hadn't been proposed to, not yet. A new hope!
I returned back home feeling much better about it all. The delight definitely visible on my face, but one important question remained, would I cash on this opportunity or not? A debate followed where I was ridiculed by my friends for my inability to do something about it. The heat moved in and I boldly proclaimed, "I'm gonna do it tomorrow, yes I will!". They all laughed about it and bet me a sum of Rs.500. I had to do it now, I had to. I spent the whole night planing what I'm going to say, how I'm going to approach her, how I'm gonna get around to confessing my crime! I had each line planned out.
The D-day was upon me and I grew nervous with each passing hour into the day. Around 2pm I decided to go for it. Scouts were sent out and she was traced to the library. I sat outside the library for half an hour or so looking at her through the window, still not sure if I'm going to be able to do it, practicing my lines over and over again.
"Go get her Shwait!", to which he gleefully troded away. All the while I wished, I wished I could call him back, hold him back from approaching her, but he was already out of my reach and into her sight. Through the window I saw him gently lean over her shoulders and whisper into her ears. Her head turned and she looked at me, our eyes clashed and my heart froze. For the next 15-20 seconds that she took to reach me, I could feel the numbness spread from my feet to the brain. The heart skipped a beat too many and yet pounding like a fish out of water. I tried my best to control it, but all attempts failed.
"Hi Jiwa, Shwait said you wanted to talk to me!", the expressions on her face told me that she knew what was coming her way. The fear was obvious. It didn't make it any easier for me, it left me paralyzed. With much strength I said what I did...
"You obviously know what I'm here for! It isn't easy for me but I want to tell you, whatever you have heard is true. Yes, I'm in love with you. I don't know how it happened and when it happened, but it just did. I'm sorry, for I have been unable to conceal my feelings well enough. I know it must have been hard for you, all the people ridiculing you about me. I wish I could take it away! No... please let me complete what I have started. I do realize that you do not feel the same way about me, I do not blame you for that. I'm not here expecting anything from you, but it had become essential that I express my feelings for you, I had to do it. I don't require you to give me an answer as in yes or a no. You don't have to say anything, it is just that I had to express myself to you. I'm not proposing a relationship! I don't need an answer, I don't need to give you time to reply to me. I know this can't work out. I know you don' love me! I hope you understand I had to do it. I'm sorry for any discomfort my actions might have caused you and hope you forgive me!"
I started to walk off and she ...
"Jiwa... listen...", I interrupted...
"No, please don't say anything, I'm sorry once again"
And then I walked off. I can't say that it made it any easier for me. It hadn't helped me the way I thought it would. I went home straight away, didn't have the strength to wait for the bus. I was alone at home, felt the cold tears dropping out of my eyes. A part of me was glad, for I had done it. "Yes! I have proven it to myself, that I am man enough to do it". The other part cursed me, cursed me for doing it. I knew what was coming. I would be the laughing stock of the college. But that is not what bothered me the most. I was worried...
"Would I be able to live without her? All the dreams I had seen of being together, what about them? Would life be the same? No, I can't live without her! Why, why did you tell her that you don't need a reply? She could have said yes! She might have! I know I can't live without her".
Nothing seemed to sooth the pain that night. I didn't emerge out from the under the blanket that evening when my friends came home. I avoided seeing them the next morning too, until they had left for college, I didn't go. Just didn't have the courage to face any one anymore. Everyone in the college would have known about it by now!
I tried hard to come over the pain which was still sending salty water down my cheeks. I resorted to music and the only thing I could find was Marc Anthony. I didn't know how fatal the choice would be. It didn't make it any easier...
"Look at me
I'm not the man I used to be
When she smiles at me
I live the light I used to see
There she goes, and I know
on my own I'm not whole
Can't believe she can't see
That she's taking the best part of me"
These words delivered a fatal blow. Days went past, and I tried hard to overcome the pain of my failure. I knew I said all the wrong things. It was no way to propose, she wouldn't have said yes to such a lousy proposal. I should have let her speak, I should have listened to what she had to say. But I guess I knew, that I would be better of living with the hope that she might have said yes rather than knowing that she said no. However, things became easier after some days. I discovered that she was already in a 5 year long relationship. Later, I was glad it didn't work out, for reasons that I prefer not to disclose here coz at least till some point of time she was the one I loved.
As time passed by, I got over her. We managed to get into fights. Reasons I still prefer not to disclose. After three years I managed to fall in love again, with some one else. But a lot was different this time. It somehow wasn't the same thing as before. The feeling, the desperation, the craving, was somehow not so intense. It just wasn't. I tried hard, hard to figure it out. I wanted to feel the same level of emotional desperation again, but it just didn't happen. Perhaps my heart had now become immune to the pain, maybe it was still in there but I just couldn't feel it anymore. Oh I wish I could feel the emotions of first love once again. I want the pain back!
As time passed by, I got over her. We managed to get into fights. Reasons I still prefer not to disclose. After three years I managed to fall in love again, with some one else. But a lot was different this time. It somehow wasn't the same thing as before. The feeling, the desperation, the craving, was somehow not so intense. It just wasn't. I tried hard, hard to figure it out. I wanted to feel the same level of emotional desperation again, but it just didn't happen. Perhaps my heart had now become immune to the pain, maybe it was still in there but I just couldn't feel it anymore. Oh I wish I could feel the emotions of first love once again. I want the pain back!
What made me write this? Rachel Miller! She is the one responsible, and I totally blame her for it. Once she came out with a post called "The First". To which I had gladly commented...
"A woman never forgets her first love, and a man cant forget his last love".
I guess I'm eating my own words now!
"A woman never forgets her first love, and a man cant forget his last love".
I guess I'm eating my own words now!
Im sorry for coming out with such a long post but I couldn't have made it any shorter. This took me two days to write, but I just wanted to blog it! Just had to :)
ReplyDeleteFirst...I want to say how beautiful the story of a love that reached deep inside you and touched you in away you have not been touched before or after. A professor once said that "we are like trash cans and everyone we meet, puts a little of their rubbish into us" and I beckon to disagree with him, we are like a treasure chest and everyone we meet places another gem inside.
ReplyDeleteObviously she is a beautiful memory filled with excitement and it is only human nature to compare one love with another. A Dear friend once said to me that very few will ever get the chance to feel that special love that excites you so. I have felt that love and distance nor time cannot separate that which
has become a part of my existence. Love is not something of ownership it is as hot as a thousands suns with the energy of the most powerful storm and as free as the wind that blows in your direction.
I felt a chill as I read your post and then I read where you said it was my fault. If I am responsible for making you think, then I gladly except responsibility......Love does not leave you it becomes a part of who you are, of your expectations, memories and dreams.
The whole para wherein u mentioned that u didnt feel the same pain the next time...it got me thinking.
ReplyDeleteIm still wondering if it holds true with everyone..
But the post was great. I had mentioned this in one ure previous posts too and i'll say it again. u've written it so well that i could picture it all.
@Rachel,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! As always you present a beautiful insight. The treasure chest thing, oh that is so true and so beautifully put forth. I shall always envy you for knowing so much more than what I understand about love.
I always thought of my self as an optimist but you prove me wrong. I was never so positive about the affair which I described in the post. But when you said that only a few get the oportunity to experience the one true love that touches you so, oh, that changed my whole point of view :), thanks for that Rachel.
Thanks a ton for making me remember and yes indeed you are the one responsible :)
@Neeraja,
ReplyDeleteHey thanks for liking it the way you did.
About the inability to exp it again... does it hold true with you? As far as my understanding goes, anyone who has been in true love ever, shall feel what I have written in the para. But Im no good at love matters, perhaps it would be best if I let Rachel answer this one!!
@Rachel,
ReplyDeleteKindly look into Neers query :)
Can you answer that please, for these matters are way out of my understanding!
We are here on earth to experience, no two loves, no two conquest will ever be the same. As I reread your story and you said she was in a five year relationship. I believe in soul mates, a person whom you feel so connected that you don't need to try, but to be yourself in their company.
ReplyDeleteExpectation usually sets us up for failure. We put such demands on a relationship, that we fail to see the beauty of the connection. We close our minds and only see a partnership in the rigid boundaries set by our up bringing.
Love was not meant to be a pain but a joy, and it is in this acceptance of the part we play in each others lives that becomes so important.
I remember saying if this be the part I am to play in your life I accept what is within the boundaries of our friendship, for I could not imagine life without the connection.
We want more, demand more, but what is more if it takes away the flame that sets our heart on fire?
Sometimes people will say " you have to step outside the box" I believe looking from outside that box, we need not allow the emotions to control the moment but
take pleasure in the reuniting of souls.
You saw a future with a woman in a predetermined type of relationship ,but relationships need not fall from a mold of expectation,for there enters the dagger of pain.
Well, I am at a loss of words here. I read the post yesterday & I again read it today.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post & beautiful insights from Rachel on the most wonderful feeling/emotion called LOVE.
I restrain myself from commenting on the topic.
P.S.- Contrast to common belief that it is easy for a guy to express his love, it always(ok, mostly) proves to be wrong. They too have jitters going down the spine. Glad that you brought up this point as well.
Yeah, if it is not true love, just a flirt or something then it is easy. Isn't it ? ;)
Keep writing and keep floating in love. :)
@Rachel,
ReplyDeleteStrong words! Let me see if I understand it correctly. Yes I do agree that love should mean more than just entering a relationship. But is it not true that when you are in love with someone, you want to be with them at all times. Do everything wih them around you. Laugh with them, play with them etc etc. So doesnt that make it necessary to be in a relationship? relationship such as marriage or an affair? Ofcos what you are saying is true at one level, but is it possible in a practical environment?
@Cuckoo,
ReplyDeleteWhy refrain from commenting, I didnt understand why? :)
It is not easy for every guy to propose and thus some people like me rely upon the girl to walk upto us :)
Yeah, it is much tougher to walk upto someone you love. I have never felt shy about girls or nything like that, But whenever I had to approach a girl i was in love with, my mind would freeze as soon as they would come into sight and I would sense such high levels on tension. It really is diffrnt than a crush etc :)
I'm speechless... middle of the night and just finished reading it, and I'm truly speechless! There's just one definition --- wow! And wish you a lot more happy memories ahead!
ReplyDelete@Black King,
ReplyDeleteHey! Thanks for the wishes dude. Glad you liked it :)
Love unrestrained is not easy, but neither is life......
ReplyDeleteYou asked me do you not one to share every moment with the one you love? and I respond with.. Here I am!
ReplyDeleteHere I am in the rays of the sun, when your feeling blue.I send to you, my love for you.
Here I am in every drop of rain, that a storm can bring.I send to you, my love for you.
Here I am in every song a bird sings,I send to you, my love for you.
Here I am in all the world surrounding.I send to you, my love for you.
Here I am ....
www.pictorialprose.blogspot.com
~~~
@Rachel,
ReplyDeleteOh thats was beautiful indeed. But then again how much of it is practical? Unconditional love, is not sumthing us mere mortals are capable of! atleast thats what i blv :)