Need & Indeed

Something has been troubling me for a while. I had never really thought of myself in such terms, and always considered people around me to be genuine. I always felt, that me, and my friends have somehow escaped unscathed from having our minds corrupted by worldly things. People that I kept around myself have always been good, pure at heart and original. I hated hypocrites from the very day that I learnt as to what it meant and thus kept myself away from such people. For this, I have always relied on my sense of perception. They say that perceptions or first opinions about a person can be wrong. That we should try to understand someone better, or give them a chance to let us experience what they are about and so on. Personally I feel all that is bullshit. My perceptions always seemed to work for me. The moment I see someone for the very first time, even before he says hi, my mind starts working on. I find it rather hard to stop, something that has integrated deep into me. In a matter of seconds, I know, as to if I am going to like a person or not, is he a good guy or bad one, and so on. However, as to what we are taught, to not rely upon my perception about someone, I try to ignore my perceptions. I try my best, to give the other person a chance, a chance to prove me wrong!

My life has been full of good and bad things, just like yours. I realized that loneliness is the only thing a lonely man is capable of feeling. To feel every other emotion, you require company, of a human or animal, whichever. Getting back to perceptions, I tend to trust people too easily. I give them every benefit of the doubt, but somehow unfailingly, all the people that I perceived to be wrong or not good for me, prove my perceptions right. And yet I still tend to keep my perceptions confined to the back of my head.

So where am I trying to head off to? A recent happening troubled me, the hell it did. I fell in love with a rather old lady for my age. No not that kind of love, it was much more pure. Love as in that you feel for your parents, or a teacher you really look up to. No she wasn’t a teacher, just someone I had never met before, and all it took was that one first meeting. The very second I knew that I am going to like her. Me, and my pals hung out with her, warming up to each other. My friends seemed to like her the way I did. However, we discussed the evening that we spent with her. Apparently, one of them had a totally different reason of being friendly. The woman is on a big post.

It was shocking. None of my friends were of this sort. Never! Thank you god for that. But what troubles me, is the thought, What if they were? Now I wonder, if I was liked for what I was as a person. I wonder if my friends ever saw in me something which made them like me. As to if everything between us, was natural and rid of malcontent or selfish desires. Did they really understand what Jiwateshwar Singh is, or was I just another one. I was questioning the very basis, purity, originality and selflessness of my friendships. All I ever wanted from my friends was love and trust. I hope, that is all they ever expected of me as well.

Quoting one such friend’s father – “In life you have a very limited number of good friends. People, who think otherwise, are fools!”

I hope that the friends god has given me so far are the limited number of friends that Daddu’s dad is talking of. The friends I need are ones that are friends indeed.